Reflections on a Birthday

Today is my birthday and, as usual, I have mixed feelings about it. I love birthday cake for breakfast. And Tod never fails to make sure I get it. Even when he used to go to work when I was still asleep, there was always a birthday cake for me when I got up. My favorite time was when he drew flames on little pieces of paper and taped them to the wicks of the candles. What a guy. I love getting e-cards - Thank you Mom and Lou, Tim and Maggie, Gerrie. And e- cards from people I haven't heard from in a while, but never fail to send a card - thank you Rich. I love getting to pick the movie and restaurant if we get to go out. I love getting cards signed by the boys and packages in the mail. I love hearing "Happy Birthday Mommy" like I did this morning. Unfortunately, it was just Ethan, Dylan was sick in bed. I love letting my kids dig into my cake with their hands. Ethan ate all the words off. I love that it is the beginning of fall, the end of 90 degree weather and allergy season (although I don't know if it's the end of snake season). I love remembering all the "libra babe" parties we had in Rockford, although that is where the mixed feelings start. I miss those times more that I can say. I remember my 40th birthday. "The Usual Suspects" got together and I was pregnant with the boys. I was not depressed at all about turning 40. How could I be with this whole new life ahead of me. My friends were all around. Things have changed so much since then. Now, when I tell people how old I am they don't say, "I never would have guessed you to be that old. I thought you were in your 30's". They don't say anything. There's no parties and we're just lucky we got a sitter for tomorrow afternoon to have lunch and see a matinee (I still get to pick, though).
There's another "birthday" this weekend. Last year at this time we were looking for houses in Pleasanton because of Tod's new job. It was a bittersweet time.... filled with the excitement of a new life. A new job for Tod, better schools and more services for the boys, a bigger, nicer house. The thought of leaving friends and family was a something I couldn't think about. It was a decision Tod and I made together. He told me he wouldn't take the job if I just said the word. But when would this opportunity come again for him or the boys? Most of my friends couldn't even understand why I would hesitate. So now it's been a year. And Tod still has a good job making more money and the boys are getting incredible services from both the school and the state. Pleasanton is a wonderful, beautiful town in it's own right. Plus it's close to everything. We've seen and done so much in the Bay Area already. I am so happy about all those things. So here it is my 47th birthday and a year later and I'm feeling melancholy. Can all these things replace the boys seeing their grandparents several times a week, or my Wednesday date with mom...my sister coming to Rockford for frequent visits...Uncle Tim taking the boys to the park....unbirthday parties for the boys in our backyard or our parties with "The Usual Suspects"? Was it the right decision? ....we're still here.

til later......