Refrigerator Mom

About 2 weeks ago I re-posted a story from npr about a new therapy that was supposed to help kids with autism.  At the end of the story, the boy's mother said that there was definitely improvement, but for all she knew it could have been from the extra quality time she got to spend with her son. A friend responded with the idea that, of course the extra time spent would help. And, although there is much more to helping a child with autism that spending time with him or her, I had to agree that it was smart that he picked that up and that parents of kids with autism have to be so diligent not to jump on every band wagon that comes along. Sometimes a cigar is a just a cigar. There are no cookie cutter answers.

But, I have been ruminating on this for a while and feel I did not speak to the whole truth of the matter. Saying that it was just spending more time with her son comes dangerously close to perpetuating the Bettleheim take on autism. The Refrigerator Mom. The reason the child has autism is because mom doesn't show enough love and attention to the child.  The child then retreats into himself. Imagine, being a mom, being told your child has autism and then being told it is your fault. Unconscionable,

And while most people today have never heard of the Refrigerator Mom, people who don't have children with autism still tend to blame the parents for their autistic child's behavior. I can't count the number of times I've been in public and one of the boys has had a melt down and I get to hear from a complete stranger that my child needs a good spanking or why can't I control him?  Obviously, I don't have time to explain that the buzz from the fluorescent lights might be piercing his ears or things aren't in the same place they were last time or that just the cacophony of people and things are sending him over the edge. And then there is a good chance that I have no idea myself what's wrong because the boys have limited language. The meltdown is their communication.

When we talk about autism awareness, we talk about early intervention, research, cure. But seldom do we tell our neighbors what our kids might do and why. With a clearer understanding, the next time they are in the store and a child is having meltdown, they might offer assistance instead of criticism. Understanding, instead of blame. And maybe even the acceptance that both the child and parent deserve.