Rita Rudner used to tell a joke about dating men, " Is this the man I want my children to spend every other weekend with?". A funny, but cynical look at dating and marriage, it was actually a criteria for me as well. Not that I expected to divorce any one I married, but more, would this man be good to our children, if we had any? Would he be responsible, committed and loyal. Life is uncertain, we could get divorced or I could die. I would want to know that the father of my children would be there for them no matter what the circumstances. And even if we didn't have children, this was my standard for a husband.
I married Tod because he was the kind of man I would want to spend every other weekend with my children, (it didn't hurt that he was funny, handsome and smart). And didn't disappoint me. He spent three months of sleepless nights walking the floors trying to calm colicky twins. And then got up and when into work the next morning. He sat with me and listened to the results of the testing by Early Intervention agency when we found that the boys were speech delayed and possibly had Sensory Integration Dysfunction. He took off work to take the boys to developmental play group. He went to the parents' group even though he was usually the only dad. Tod was a dad who was involved in his children's lives and our children's lives totally took over ours.
Then the real bomb hit. The diagnosis. What Tod calls the worst day of his life. "Your sons have autism," the developmental pediatrician said, "but don't worry, you won't be changing diapers all your life, when they are older they will be institutionalized. Sorry it wasn't better news." The doctor shook Tod's hand, headed for the door and took all Tod's dreams for his boys with him. At that moment our sons' future was snatched from their hands. It was devastating. It felt as if all hope was lost and any chance of a "normal" relationship with our sons was gone. It was hard for Tod to accept, just as it would be for any father.
Any yet, Tod kept going and keeps going. He has always gone to every doctor appointment, every school meeting. After a stressful day at work, he comes home tired and hungry. But Ethan grabs one hand and Dylan grabs the other, "camping!", "parachute!", and off he goes. It's usually after 8 before he gets to sit down and relax or eat something. Tod wrestles with them, gets up in the night with them, takes them to the park. He tries not to be embarrassed when one of them melts down in the store or can't answer the little boy at McDonald's who asks innocently, "what's your name?". Tod makes their lunch for school every morning and tucks them into bed every night. I'm not saying Tod is perfect. It is often very difficult to keep your composure or find the energy or the patience or even the hope to get through the day or not give up completely - for both of us. But Tod has been there for Ethan and Dylan no matter what. And they know it. They miss him when he's gone, fight to sit on his lap. It's always dad thy want to camp with and play tag with, read to and put them to bed. And when Tod works really late, Ethan sends him emails like, "daddy, Ethan Dylan"
The circumstances of our life are often worse than divorce or even death. But Tod has been loyal, responsible and committed to Ethan and Dylan no matter what. His love for them shows in everything he does -24/7 - every, waking, sleeping, frustrated, delighted, stressful, proud, exhausted, worried, amused, hopeful second of the day. And he's still handsome, funny and smart!!
